I wrote this to speak out my stress and vent on how it could be possible that by treating others as unworthy of your attention & disproving there actions as a wrong or lesser path creates separation & alienation from our collective incentives to fit in. @ an early age we all strive to be alive yet this lust seems to fade as a wall of guilt is built inside you, constantly being told what you can & cannot do. We then create a myth of some invading force when in reality it's only been each other bullying one another to get more attention in the means to fit in with one another. I see the Alien Gray's being a form of our own collective subconscious expressing its self; examining the stranger to find out if there's anything inside the heart & abduction for reproduction being just a reminder of are own collective fear of no more future for our children. You can call it a warning for all those who remain indifferent to their thoughts & actions.
WELCOME TOO
~ALIEN NATION~
I found I had alienated myself from others at an early age, The discovery of Nintendo The separation of my Mother & Father, a constant replacement of my self from institution to institution lead to a need too continue reinvent myself; which in this day & age lead to the construction of a rather large wall & many specific similarities needed to let people in. I had few friends at times usually 3 good ones. A best friend was generally found in the glowing T.V & Boxy consuls of yesteryear. I enjoyed escaping to far off places new planets to Rome. I loved Role playing, strategy & puzzle games as they felt right @ home safe to me unlike the outside world who seemed a harsh mistress. My favorite Color to wear in high school was gray, it made me blend in with the crowd; some kids I had classes with didn't even know I existed & I enjoyed it. This is why I feel I can identify with the Gray's. The world was crazy & keeping a safe distance from it seemed like a winning plan. I had become the alien to my own world; A ghost with a hidden identity & closed heart creating a safe separation...
I believe I did this to protect me because everyone early in my life seemed so negative & I didn't know where it was coming from, that's not to say I didn't have positive influences. They just seemed so short lived & far between. It was as if this planet had been dealt a hand nine parts suck & one part alright most people believing that one part alright was them. Living as a middle class citizen we seem punished by guilt & greed looking to countries in poverty only making it seem like anything we do we should be guilty for doing; looking to the rich I could only question why they could have so much & can care so little.
I believe I did this to protect me because everyone early in my life seemed so negative & I didn't know where it was coming from, that's not to say I didn't have positive influences. They just seemed so short lived & far between. It was as if this planet had been dealt a hand nine parts suck & one part alright most people believing that one part alright was them. Living as a middle class citizen we seem punished by guilt & greed looking to countries in poverty only making it seem like anything we do we should be guilty for doing; looking to the rich I could only question why they could have so much & can care so little.
My parents split greatly effected my ability to understand & fit in with others. My father figure wasn't around & when he was the attention I got was very unwanted; like a bully it was focused on survival, very direct & pushy. He never seemed to listen to what I was saying & I felt somehow Id offended him. Yet in reality he just wanted a hug because he had hurt feelings. though as I was getting mine hurt with out the guidance to be shown it was perfectly normal to feel the way I felt. A child doesn't know what's really going on its all guess work that's why we ask why... This caused me to become timid none the less seek out ways to impress my father so he could see me as a real man; As my own surviving adult. He was Like the wind pushing me until I could push myself, his love had to be earned. My mothers attention was different hers came from a place of over care & abundance; Her love freely given to me, bombarded with don't & dew's, who & what to hang out. Hugs given, when In her Eyes I did right & things taken when I did her Wrong. Loving me with out realizing she was building all her own fear's spite & hate up inside me. As If I should feel guilty to leave her as if any of my own choices would never be good ones unless first approved & motherly stamped. She was asking never to leave her indirectly, She was like the earth allowing me to step around as I grew; her pain was my pain, her joy my joy. As a child I couldn't tell where my problems came from, now as an adult it seems clear that their losses where passed on to me & lay dormant inside until I was ready to dig them out. Their separation had become my alienation & identity. This isn't to say they where bad people that's the furthest from the truth as their problems where again a reaction to a previous action. Luckily for me I had a younger brother come 3 years after I was born. Hes Love was a push of exploration & mischief, He wanted to know what I thought & listened too the thoughts I had with wonder. This created a drive to protect, Someone my intentions helped create, Someone who grew beside me with the help of my guidance. With these 3 influences I learn t my own version of what Wisdom, Courage & Power can be. They Brought balance to my life & a place to see what I had become, who I had become, Where I wanted to go. They also tore my life asunder when I could no longer find ways to relate, they are my family they are my identify.
As the years marched forward I began to move about with my mom, back to Edmonton after 3 year's in spruce grove. My dad still in west Edmonton & my mom wanting to keep a safe distance from the pain of their divorce we settled in on the north side. I had only worked 1 job prior to moving, working at a green house in Spruce Groove which I had found very calming; I only began work @ 18yrs old; many considered me lazy which only caused me to alienate from their disapproval. Through the years & growing with my family I was able to come of age, however I began to seek new attention out. It wasn't until my 18th birthday that I Had my first real kiss & took my first drink; the blurry/floating feeling seemed to make my worry's & self conscious ways disappear. I only really drank with the friends I had from high school & that didn't last long they faded away into these fast paced lives we live, The Blurry/floating feelings began to turn to despair as I witnessed more lose & separation. I had to skip to my own beat; Keep marching forward in hopes of healing the never ending wounds that the world seemed to carelessly inflict onto itself. After my 19th Birthday I began to trade the Blurry lows for an inhalation of some dopey highs, This allowed me to relax & rekindle with a group who enjoyed the lighter side of life, It stirred up a lot of thought in my head unlike the alcohol which stirred up a lot of lust in my smaller head. Pot wasn't escapism more so it was exploring realms in which some held no interest. I feel communicate with them about these quests & explorations is equivalent to running into a wall most believing that what I was doing to be wrong & supportive of what's wrong in the world, They alienate you before they even know you or give you a chance. Simply because they want nothing to do with what's deemed wrong, the conundrum of this reality is by separation you do them wrong. we truly are all one and in this together.
As the years marched forward I began to move about with my mom, back to Edmonton after 3 year's in spruce grove. My dad still in west Edmonton & my mom wanting to keep a safe distance from the pain of their divorce we settled in on the north side. I had only worked 1 job prior to moving, working at a green house in Spruce Groove which I had found very calming; I only began work @ 18yrs old; many considered me lazy which only caused me to alienate from their disapproval. Through the years & growing with my family I was able to come of age, however I began to seek new attention out. It wasn't until my 18th birthday that I Had my first real kiss & took my first drink; the blurry/floating feeling seemed to make my worry's & self conscious ways disappear. I only really drank with the friends I had from high school & that didn't last long they faded away into these fast paced lives we live, The Blurry/floating feelings began to turn to despair as I witnessed more lose & separation. I had to skip to my own beat; Keep marching forward in hopes of healing the never ending wounds that the world seemed to carelessly inflict onto itself. After my 19th Birthday I began to trade the Blurry lows for an inhalation of some dopey highs, This allowed me to relax & rekindle with a group who enjoyed the lighter side of life, It stirred up a lot of thought in my head unlike the alcohol which stirred up a lot of lust in my smaller head. Pot wasn't escapism more so it was exploring realms in which some held no interest. I feel communicate with them about these quests & explorations is equivalent to running into a wall most believing that what I was doing to be wrong & supportive of what's wrong in the world, They alienate you before they even know you or give you a chance. Simply because they want nothing to do with what's deemed wrong, the conundrum of this reality is by separation you do them wrong. we truly are all one and in this together.
After moving too the north side I found work in retail. The young crowd was pleasing & welcoming compared to the older disproving one. However the work seemed to tare me & others up inside out regardless of age. I noticed a separation between customer & sales; Teacher & student being told the customer/Teacher was always right creating a larger wall for the have & have not; more alienation amongst the people, more separation from one another in our ability to communicate with out breaking down. Epically inside me. I felt torn from group too group never settling in, never staying with a single best friend for longer then a few years, feeling not after long in my heart I would just be gone again. That's just how it was for me. Maybe its different for you but I never really got chances to connect for a long period of time, It made everything seem disposable, It made me feel like the alien living outside a collective reality waiting for the day to be invited in by someone, anyone. Yet I realized even now the ones who fit in somewhere are better yet waiting for the day they to get welcomed by a larger collective wholeness.
On the 13 of Aug 2005 I had a change of pace this was just after I had Began work at retail so it was very welcoming to go and relax. My mom wanted to bring me somewhere for graduating, So I choose Jamaica one dope place to relax. I saw a different way of life & how deep our western ways cut into theirs. Realizing even across the ocean our effects could be felt our collective greed caused a strangle hold on there ability to micro manage themselves. They seemed weak under our larger macro management which forced them into a resort island slowly siphoning away there culture making it our own prevailing ideas on who & what they should be, What they should mean to us instead of what they had meant to themselves before we arrived. I felt very alienated when I was there, being viewed as some rich white man. They tried to shove trinkets down my empty pockets unknown to them I came from a family of little filled with many have knot's. Yet in there wake my little seemed like a lot the idea that these people where different & less then me began to fade as there smiles reached into my heart our separation only seemed as thick as water & everyone knows water is malleable. I took these principles back with me & began to tend to my heart making my own path to live instead of depending on solely on others. On arriving back to Edmonton I shopped for my own cloths began to choose what I wanted to listen to & caught my first real girlfriend in this collective ocean of noise. My heart was now open to the possibility that I was good enough for others to have me & the alienation, the separation from the others began to fade away slowly.
I gave up drinking entirely. Instead I began to smoke Cigarettes. They allowed me to yet again make contact with unknown people & at the same time be able to feel welcomed. This hurt my parents though too see me begin to slowly kill myself it's as if I was stripping there future away yet in reality I was choosing to no longer be apart of what they wanted for me. I had decided that their life wasn't the one I would have & to die at 40 was a good life one of adventure and fast paced living holding no fear; no regrets for my own actions. I know now that this was an act of rebellion; A way for me to show them how much I wanted them to see me for my own person, yet in that process I was able to see them & there losses that lay dormant inside me clearer then ever. Since then I have been on the move, the pace of life on a speedy highway compared to the past reflections of yesteryear. Its almost been 5 years since my 18th birthday & I feel as if I've done more living in the last 5 then I did in the previous 15. I climbed a work ladder & even became supervisor trainer, treasure, assignment manger no prior experience all within 2 years. I did all these responsibility & I did them VERY well. I've loved & lost, Broke my heart & healed my heart. I've found a soul mate & built an unbreakable relationship that runs so deep within my vain; I know even in death my memory would last forever within all the hearts I have touched in this life. I've broken my head open with Psychedelics & found out the reasons why I am who I am. A reason of a collection of what was & what is shared by you & me dictating who & what I can be. I found a reason to stay & you are that reason each & every person place or thing in our collective creation. It's what we do to get attention; what we do to love or hate that attracts me to this alien nation so firmly. For now I KNOW that it’s all for us because of us. I know it was built in my mind this whole time an idea that you & I are so different that idea is only skin deep as we all share the same collective fate. We All Live for each other because of each other, This is my desperation my means to create something beautiful, to express my self as an artist.
I now have an understanding of what unconditional love truly is because of everyone's help & it feels like believing/faith, knowing everyone is experiencing every place person & thing in this moment. It's right now; Us together in this shared moment that is what holds reality together, Me, You & Them Its the simplest & largest trinity out there. The most important things in life are your family, friends & things; brothers & sisters I can say that with no doubt, no question in my minds eye. Together WE are all just a larger family of Brothers, Sisters & things .This Idea is what I share freely because I know my creation was given to me unconditionally; just the conditions in which I received my objectivity were confusing & caused misunderstanding's in one another. Its something we all go to war for, all I suggest is you trade your sword for a word too stop the bickering & fighting because our differences really are our similarity's. Now I stand by all of you a FREE man with FREE thoughts to share, I've unchained my mind from the idea that people don't want me & I give out myself to anyone who needs me I Become my own open Source; my own self perpetual free energy machine.
On the 13 of Aug 2005 I had a change of pace this was just after I had Began work at retail so it was very welcoming to go and relax. My mom wanted to bring me somewhere for graduating, So I choose Jamaica one dope place to relax. I saw a different way of life & how deep our western ways cut into theirs. Realizing even across the ocean our effects could be felt our collective greed caused a strangle hold on there ability to micro manage themselves. They seemed weak under our larger macro management which forced them into a resort island slowly siphoning away there culture making it our own prevailing ideas on who & what they should be, What they should mean to us instead of what they had meant to themselves before we arrived. I felt very alienated when I was there, being viewed as some rich white man. They tried to shove trinkets down my empty pockets unknown to them I came from a family of little filled with many have knot's. Yet in there wake my little seemed like a lot the idea that these people where different & less then me began to fade as there smiles reached into my heart our separation only seemed as thick as water & everyone knows water is malleable. I took these principles back with me & began to tend to my heart making my own path to live instead of depending on solely on others. On arriving back to Edmonton I shopped for my own cloths began to choose what I wanted to listen to & caught my first real girlfriend in this collective ocean of noise. My heart was now open to the possibility that I was good enough for others to have me & the alienation, the separation from the others began to fade away slowly.
I gave up drinking entirely. Instead I began to smoke Cigarettes. They allowed me to yet again make contact with unknown people & at the same time be able to feel welcomed. This hurt my parents though too see me begin to slowly kill myself it's as if I was stripping there future away yet in reality I was choosing to no longer be apart of what they wanted for me. I had decided that their life wasn't the one I would have & to die at 40 was a good life one of adventure and fast paced living holding no fear; no regrets for my own actions. I know now that this was an act of rebellion; A way for me to show them how much I wanted them to see me for my own person, yet in that process I was able to see them & there losses that lay dormant inside me clearer then ever. Since then I have been on the move, the pace of life on a speedy highway compared to the past reflections of yesteryear. Its almost been 5 years since my 18th birthday & I feel as if I've done more living in the last 5 then I did in the previous 15. I climbed a work ladder & even became supervisor trainer, treasure, assignment manger no prior experience all within 2 years. I did all these responsibility & I did them VERY well. I've loved & lost, Broke my heart & healed my heart. I've found a soul mate & built an unbreakable relationship that runs so deep within my vain; I know even in death my memory would last forever within all the hearts I have touched in this life. I've broken my head open with Psychedelics & found out the reasons why I am who I am. A reason of a collection of what was & what is shared by you & me dictating who & what I can be. I found a reason to stay & you are that reason each & every person place or thing in our collective creation. It's what we do to get attention; what we do to love or hate that attracts me to this alien nation so firmly. For now I KNOW that it’s all for us because of us. I know it was built in my mind this whole time an idea that you & I are so different that idea is only skin deep as we all share the same collective fate. We All Live for each other because of each other, This is my desperation my means to create something beautiful, to express my self as an artist.
I now have an understanding of what unconditional love truly is because of everyone's help & it feels like believing/faith, knowing everyone is experiencing every place person & thing in this moment. It's right now; Us together in this shared moment that is what holds reality together, Me, You & Them Its the simplest & largest trinity out there. The most important things in life are your family, friends & things; brothers & sisters I can say that with no doubt, no question in my minds eye. Together WE are all just a larger family of Brothers, Sisters & things .This Idea is what I share freely because I know my creation was given to me unconditionally; just the conditions in which I received my objectivity were confusing & caused misunderstanding's in one another. Its something we all go to war for, all I suggest is you trade your sword for a word too stop the bickering & fighting because our differences really are our similarity's. Now I stand by all of you a FREE man with FREE thoughts to share, I've unchained my mind from the idea that people don't want me & I give out myself to anyone who needs me I Become my own open Source; my own self perpetual free energy machine.
You can Compare this to the slow pull of a self created belief that someones out to get you; such a negative reality. I compare it to the speed of time when I was alone escaping my reality believing something was out to get me, Time ticked by so slow waiting for death to come. I look to how quick it passes now for me as I share with people as I get my point across, The invisible walls begin to fade & we start too see each other as one in the same struggle. No longer do I feel the pull of time as I stand on it Building my new reality working with life believing no one but myself is really out to get me. To me this makes the contrast/difference in time an understanding in vibrations. When it seems slowed to a pulp you’re generally waiting for a future that isn't here & for time to speed by your feeling well endowed in the moment building a future your looking towards rather then running from. The moment is found when you no longer feel alienated from the presence of reality, when you’re relating instead of debating. I ask you now in these new moments what have you decided to become where do you put your Courage, Wisdom & Power? I write this to ask all of you to open your hearts as I have opened mine. For all our brothers, sisters & things we love; standing together on our collective one true mother: EARTH & just like the children play in the parks at school: Red Rover, Red Rover we call one another over until all is said & done again the two shall become one. 4Ever2gether bound by unconditional Wisdom to find peace, Courage to keep loving & Light to bring about Power.
Peace, Love & light.
Sincerely,
...A FREE MASON...
...A FREE MASON...
~Look up and down your family tree I know you'll be a part of me.~
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